Sexual Problems Signal Trouble

glued together - sexual problemsMaintaining a good sex life is the glue that binds couples together. If you are facing sexual problems which have led to you having sex infrequently or not at 

all, you’ve got a relationship that’s in trouble.So says from Dr Ruth Westheimer, America’s favourite sex doctor. “Without sex, a couple’s bonds become more and more fragile, liable to permanent damage.”Most couples who’ve been together more than a few years will admit they’ve faced sexual problems, often because one partner loses interest in sex.About 15 to 20 per cent of marriages are sexless. They usually got that way because one partner lost interest, they stopped having sex and it became something the couple found hard to discuss or change.

Boredom Behind Many Sexual Problemsboredom - sexual problems

Sexual problems can be caused by a wide range of physical or psychological issues, but for many healthy couples the biggest obstacles to sex are not age or health related; they are simply a matter of their mental attitude to sex and result from:

  • Simple boredom (sexual technique too predictable)
  • Assigning a low priority to romance and love making (waiting for it to ‘Just happen’)
  • Allowing daily stresses and time demands to stifle desire (sex is seen as an obligation at the end of a long list of other family and work obligations)

A new study from Oxford university suggests part of the problem may be in our genes: that love developed amongst humans as a kind of relational glue, designed to hold the relationship together long enough to raise children and ensure genes were passed on. Whereas modern humanity, according to the Oxford researchers, simply lives longer than that romantic spark was designed to last.

The sad reality is that within four years of marriage more than half of couples will be dealing with the death of their active sex life.

Sexual Problem No 1 – Sex is a Chore

Suspend performance criteriaperformance criteria - sexual problems

Dr Joel D Block (Sex Over 50, Penguin) suggests if sex has become a chore, forget intercourse:

  • Don’t count orgasms
  • Agree to touch, stroke, caress and fondle with no goal in sight
  • Focus on simple bodily sensation
  • Touching can be as satisfying as intercourse and will often lead there without the pressure of the goal.

Sexual Problem No 2 – Sex is predictable

Expand your definition of sex beyond intercourse

  • Take responsibility for your own pleasure, sexual and otherwise
  • Don’t think of sex as work or performance
  • You don’t have to live up to the fantasies. Sex is not a chore nor is it an athletic event with points for orgasms

Sexual Problem No 3 – Sex is a Bore

Make sex more playful

  • Pretend you are dating again and sex is a delicious possibilitypillow fight playful - sexual problems
  • Indulge in sexual fantasies rather than squashing them
  • Laugh together and learn how to tease your partner
  • Wear a mask – something light and feathery use the feathers to tickle your partner during oral sex
  • Don’t take your clothes off and combine food and sex;  take food to bed with you and feed one another
  • Eroticise your environment  – create a romantic erotic bedroom
  • Buy leisure clothing and fragrances that arouse you, indulge in flowers

Sexual Problem No 4 – You’re too tired for sex

Take care of your body through exercise, a healthy diet

  • Do something physical – a shared activity biking, hiking swimming at least once a week
  • Try sexy stress busters – take turns letting each other off the hook – a day, a night, even two hours free of obligation. . . no chores, calls or family demands
  • Take regular joy breaks – brief sexual sensual interludes at least once a week – a candlelit bubble bath, dancing together in the living room, having breakfast in bed.

Sexual Problem No 5 – Spontaneous sex is the only sex

Plan for sex and make sex a priority

It’s unfair to be in a relationship and not engage in sexual activity, if that’s what your partner wants, says Dr Patricia Love (The Truth About Love, Simon and Schuster, 2001)
“To say ‘I won’t be sexual with you, and you’d better not go get it somewhere else either’ is a non-relational way of addressing sexual issues”.

  • Don’t leave a love date to chance. Agree to find a regular time for intimacy and it will take the pressure off the rest of your time together.

canoe in water - sexual problemsSydney sex therapist Bettina Ardnt says one answer to sexual problems is to consciously decide to “say ‘Yes’ more often.

“Once the canoe is in the water, everyone starts happily paddling. For couples to experience regular, pleasurable sex and sustain loving relationships women must get over that ideological roadblock of assumptions about desire and ‘just do it’. The result will be both men and women will enjoy more, better sex.”

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