Women’s Libido – Fact & Fiction
Many women experience libido problems because they do not want sex as often as their husband or partner.
And men often consider a women’s libido is the “problem” in their relationship because they are not getting sex as frequently as he would like.
Does this sound familiar? It’s true that many Australian women feel their low libido is of concern to them.
Sydney sex therapist Dr Rosie King says issues with women’s libido are the most common complaint she receives in her work with couples wanting a better sex life.
And as Dr King outlines in her book Where Did My Libido Go?there is a lot of wrong information floating about that makes women feel guilty and “to blame” for sexual tension in their relationship.
So what are some common myths about women’s libido?
Myths About Women’s Libido
Myth No 1: The romantic buzz will last forever and when it’s faded it’s time to move on.
Myth No 2: If you love someone you should feel turned on by him, anytime, anywhere.
Myth No 3: you have to feel like sex to enjoy sex.
If you operate according to any of these “myths” about women’s libido may be interesting to discover what modern science says about the best ways to maintain strong and satisfying sexual relationships.
Myth No 1 About Women’s Libido
If the Romantic Buzz fades it means the relationship is dead
“Falling in love” involves a crazy neurochemical cocktail which affects the brain in a similar way to cocaine, brain scan research has shown. Over time (usually three to five years) that “mad about you” rush evolves into a much calmer, more secure (and some would suggest deeper and more lasting) attachment, and female libido also slows in response.
But the woman’s libido taking longer to respond does not mean the relationship is in trouble – it is part of the natural ebb and flow of sex in a relationship.
Every couple will have times when the male and female libidos get “out of sync” for many
reasons – from work stress to the arrival of children. And it is not always woman’s libido that is the problem. Men experience low libido – which is different from ED (not being able to get an erection.) At least 25 per cent of men have times when they also may not feel interested in having sex.
Most women have libido problems at some time in their lives, whether it is related to hormonal changes (birth, menopause,) stressful life events or a relationship going sour.
Dr King says social expectations in our “sexed up” world that we are always going to be “hot to trot” is partly to blame for couples feeling there is something wrong with the relationship or the woman’s libido.
Rather than jumping into “serial monogamy” and looking for the next “fix” like a romance junkie, the answer is tounderstand your own and your partner’s needs better, as well as paying attention to communicating and caring for one another.
Myth No 2 About Women’s Libido
If you love someone you should feel turned on by him, anytime, anywhere
Sex serves different physical and emotional needs for men and women. For men, sex is the way they gain intimacy in relationships, while most women need to feel close to someone before their libido is aroused.
Dr King suggests that for a man, going without sex is like “going without conversation for a woman.
“Women are very good at getting their emotional and physical needs met outside of the romantic relationship, while men often rely on sexual activity with their partners to fulfil these very important needs.”
The answer to these differences is for men to be aware a woman’s total environment affects her libido. If she’s had a lousy day at work, if there are things around the house she’s wanted fixed and they are still not done, if she feels unsupported and under-appreciated, all of these things will affect how ready she is to get sexy.
Myth No 3 About Women’s Libido
You have to feel like sex to enjoy sex
Since the sexual revolution of the 60s the idea has grown than male and female libido is the same. Biologically this is not correct. Men, with their much higher testosterone levels, are geared for instant arousal. Women take longer to feel aroused.
However if all the other factors are taken care of – the woman feels secure and appreciated – she can enjoy sex even if she does not feel instant arousal.
Sydney sex therapists like Bettina Ardnt and Dr Rosie King suggest if a woman develops a mind set to “Say Yes”, communicates to her partner what pleases her, and is willing to engage even if she doesn’t feel aroused at the start, she can still enjoy the experience. Her libido will “catch up” once the engagement begins.
Just one caution; the ‘saying Yes’ approach works if your relationship is basically sound… but if you are having deeper communication problems Dr David Schnarch, (author of Intimacy and Desire, Awaken the passion in your relationship, Scribe, Melbourne) recommends don’t “Just Do it” to make your partner happy.
“If you have negative anticipations of sex, if you are unhappy with yourself, or feel alienated or angry with your mate, you are not a candidate for “just do it,” he recommends. Sort out those issues first.
Herbal Sexual Enhancers
Herbal formulas used in traditional medicine for thousands of years can help give an extra spark to you sex life, by increasing your libido, giving you more energy, and reducing stress.
Taken daily like a vitamin pill or dietary supplement, they could be the answer to women’s libido issues for you. Find out more about libido enhancing herbalsupplements Herbal Ignite and Herbal Ignite for Women.